Privacy.com is your friend. Free and makes ‘uncancellable’ subscriptions a thing of the past

I feel slightly better knowing that the Chinese suffer from Chinesium-based products as much as we do.

Are Xbox players paste-eaters or something?

Conversation in a future space Starbucks: Me: “I’d like a triple grande, soy, no foam latte in a to-go vulva.” Barista: “Yes sir…”

Conversation in my local Starbucks tomorrow: Me: “I’d like a triple grande, soy, no foam latte in a to-go vulva.” Barista: “Sir, I have a taser and pepper spray, if you leave now, I won’t call the cops.”

When I see how some women were treated in the 50’s, I get the feeling the scariest thing to many men would be a woman they couldn’t command.

Is it too much to ask for a Godzilla movie where he and king king go to a coffee shop and pretentiously sip stadium-sized espressos while animatedly discussing which philosophers would best perform a rail grind down the worlds longest handrail while whistling “Country Roads” by John Denver and juggling a piece of the original cross, the Loch Ness Monster’s kidney stone and a VHS tape containing the last remaining copy of a deleted scene from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood where he laughs at a fart. 10/10 would watch.

Had a friend borrow a large sum of money from me. Yes, I did it. Yes, I was repaid on time.

What a terrible day to have eyes

Epic reveal: Cat’s name is Snorlax

Just the chug-chug sound is enough to wake me from the deepest sleep.

#SalesFails

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

DerekDerekBoBerekBananaFanaFoFerek_1

He just farted and it hasn’t reached your nose yet…