Not worth bragging when you only do the easy (and fun) part of making children…

If you give a guinea pig a carrot…

Surprise funny business is better than rain-check funny business

Or 1/4 cup sticks (half the length of the 1/2 cup sticks), which usually end up a more convient size

Well, they looks like they’ll fit, so why not?

If they’ve survived 50 years, I think it’s time to thank them for their service and send them on their way.

How have these survived on the wall for 50 years?

If something fails so clearly at its basic function, can it really be “ruined”?

It’s one thing I’d be fine sticking Trump’s name on.

All the dead in this war, military and civilian, American, Iranian and Qatari, are blood on Donald’s hands

Furiously scrubs at screen to try to wipe off smudge over the word “but”…

How do you get a smudge on your screenshot?

Brought home dinner!

Annoying thing with those is driving where the law requires lights to be on when using wipers in the rain. But the rain isn’t always enough to make it dark enough to activate automatic lights. So you have to switch your lights to on rather than automatic.

Has the vegan never seen a goat before?

We had yellow jackets find a whole in the wall, and dig in and burrow out the drywall. Just a thin layer of paper between them and our bedroom. Luckily noticed and got the nest cleared out before they made it inside the house

So when he eats pussy it’s dry as hell?

I just remember it being tough and dry. Got better chicken at Wendy’s. When you specialize in chicken and get beat by a burger joint, you’re doing it wrong.

Like “one bad apple spoils the barrel”

Just dismissing criminals in your midst as “bad apples” misses the point. The phrase is meant to say you need to find and get rid of those apples before their corruption spreads to the rest of the barrel.

He wanted it in a paper cup with a layer of Caramel like they make at Starbucks