I’ve realized that I’m very mentally weak and it’s impacting my success.
I suspect I have ADHD and whenever I get an urge to distract myself, I rarely manage to resist it.
I think what I am missing is the residtance to discomfort that eg. allows sports people to carry on going even when their muscles are telling them to stop. Or the thing that allows people to defy themselves and step into an ice-cold shower.
Unfortunately I am not a person who enjoys sports and a cold shower is only something that makes sense once a day. Can you think of any exercises that I can do here and now in my room, and practice routinely that will strengthen my willpower so that I can better resist my urges in the future?
Meditation. It’s scientifically proven to help with ADHD.
Dr K at Healthy Gamer has a tonne of really great advice for dealing with this and especially for ADHD sufferers. He talks about urge-surfing and how to develop and strengthen the parts of your brain that end up giving you back control in terms of decision making, willpower and responding to habits. Here’s a short on urge-surfing but have a dig thru the rest of the channel https://youtube.com/shorts/SUgJdsTCs0E?feature=share
Here is an alternative Piped link(s): https://piped.video/shorts/SUgJdsTCs0E?feature=share
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I’m open-source, check me out at GitHub.
In most cases it is not a lack of willpower but rather an exhaustion of the same. Try to arrange your daily routine around things you WANT to do and limit the things that burn attention and mental energy (doom-scrolling social media, ….).
It’s all about managing your (dopamine) resources economically.
For me, it’s 100% about positive self talk and mini goals. Instead of trying to motivate myself to run 5 miles, it’s one 100ft section at a time. Fix a goal I can see, then run there and give myself a mental high five for getting there. Then do it again one more time. And then one more time and on and on til I get to the end.
This is covered in a lot or depression literature, where you need to literally rewire your brain to defeat the attempt to reach homeostasis, which has become a depressed state. Little positive actions and thoughts that eventually rewire the neural pathways and create new ones little by little. If you want to learn more about that, the technical side made very understandable by a psychologist and neuroscientist who specializes in depression and anxiety, you should check out “The Upward Spiral”. It’s really good and i highly recommend it. It has helped me start the healing and coping process.
I would say first and foremost be kind to yourself, @SubArcticTundra@lemmy.ml. Strengthening your willpower begins with good self-care techniques. Set regular, realistic, and achievable goals and when you achieve them, do something positive for yourself. Too often we are our own worst enemies and by beating yourself up you actually make it harder to achieve what you really want. This is something I struggle with even though I do not have ADHD. Will-power comes not from negative reinforcement but from the positive kind. 😀
Thanks for this reminder, you’re right it’s really easy to start blaming yourself for failing at things that it’s not your fault you’re failing at
I have found it useful, even healthy in stressfulness work situations, to allow myself the distraction - but only for a little while. This works fairly well for me.
Do one other thing. Play only one round of Minesweeper (yes, that’s me). Read only one thing on Lemmy. Pick one of those. Then get back to work. For a while, anyway.
If I am trying to get things done (write emails) do important research, ya know that kind of thing, I sprinkle in the things I want to do like procrastinate on lemmy, look up random shit, eat a snack, and then get back to the work at hand
The Science of Self Control is an excellent book about willpower and, well, self control. It goes into the science of it and how to use that to your advantage.
One thing I do is to reduce friction. You are more likely to do something if you make whatever it is easier to do. Conversely, if you want to stop doing something, increase friction (make it harder to do). Two examples:
You want to go to the gym in the mornings? Go to bed a bit earlier, get everything ready the night before, and maybe even sleep in your gym clothes.
Your want to stop eating cookies? Put them somewhere you’re less likely to walk past them or see them.
In your case, maybe try removing things that are distractions, e.g. put your phone on the other side of the room.
Sleeping in my gym clothes sounds like a radicaly effective move. Especially as it physocally connects evening me to tomorrow me, which I otherwise struggle to mentaly do…
When I was super down in different times of my life, I would sleep in my work clothes that way I would wake up and be on time for work. So yeah… this can be pretty effective.
There is some good advice in this thread, but if you do have ADHD, then the advice is only as good as your ability to carry it out, and saying “just do the thing” will only end up demoralising you.
From my perspective (42, diagnosed with ADHD four years ago), it’s been damn near impossible for me to noticeably improve myself. It’s only when I reflect on my progress that I begin to notice positive changes.
Ultimately, it’s about training your perspective on a task. Are you failing to do things, or are you choosing to prioritise other tasks instead. Do those other tasks have positive outcomes (however tenuous they may be)? If this is the case, then you could work on choosing to prioritise the tasks that are expected of you.
In terms of my working day, my job is an issue for me, as it doesn’t really have a set form, and is almost entirely self-led. If I don’t do what’s expected of me, no one really notices, and that’s actually a problem for me, because left to my own devices I’ll gladly spend all day fucking about online, then feel like shit because I’ve not been productive*. So I’ve learned to tackle this by physically writing myself a To Do list first thing in the morning, that I then input into a daily timetable spreadsheet. Then I use an app called Cold Turkey to block access to websites of my choosing for a period of time. Only then am I able to focus on the tasks at hand.
In time, your brain will (hopefully) begin to mould itself around a different way of being, and while it will not likely become second nature to you, it will become easier to recognise when your distraction has taken control.
*of course, almost all of the problems we face are as a result of being forced to exist in a capitalist society, where we’re all trained to assign our personal worth to the worth of the work we produce. If we neurodivergents were able to live outside that paradigm, we’d be fine.
I always get myself to do things I don’t want to by thinking “Future-me is going to be much happier when he finds that present-me did this already.”
Helps me find the motivation to exercise, make myself a good cup of coffee instead of a kcup, do the dishes after dinner, lots of things. And past me is such a bro, saved me from present-me having to do those things.
Not exactly what you’re asking but possibly helpful-
I’ve found that ‘pairing’ the item of resistance to another established habit has been helpful. A decent example is putting my gym stuff on the bathroom counter. I have the habit of brushing my teeth in the morning and now I have my exercise clothes where I’m guaranteed to see them. It’s harder to make excuses and at this point you just gotta commit.
This might be more what you’re asking about-
I got the pairing idea from a great series on procrastination, Solving the Procrastination Puzzle by Tim Pychyl. The speaker takes the approach that resistance is not a matter of will power but a matter of emotional regulation. I recommend checking it out!
I listened to it on Waking Up but you might be able to find it elsewhere. Here’s a link to where I listened, free 30 days no credit card needed. (There is no incentive for me, just sharing what helped me) https://dynamic.wakingup.com/pack/PK0AA14?source=content share&share_id=0FEBBC65&code=SC112CD68
When you notice yourself not wanting to do something you know you should do, do it anyways. For me, it started with taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work. Snowball it from there. That’s really the only way, there aren’t shortcuts.
A good morning routine is perfect for building momentum. I wake up at 6 AM and walk to my bathroom where I keep a bottle of water, as I am always thirsty in the morning. I brush my teeth, meditate, and engage in some light cardio, (literally something like 50 jumping jacks. It’s nothing too serious) Afterward, I take a warm shower, gradually lowering the temperature until it’s cold. Finally, I eat breakfast.
That’s a morning routine that works for me and is (mostly) copied from a Youtube video I watched on how to stay motivated. This is what works for me so I think it may be a good watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOEfDcGbbXo&t=362
Bro, not everybody is a morning person. I appreciate you sharing what works for you, but for one if OP does in fact have ADHD, that comes with insomnia sometimes so it is unlikely they’ll be getting up early, and if they do, they won’t want to do jumping jacks or take a morning shower regardless of the temp. Also, breakfast is hit or miss too because people with ADHD also have symptoms of depression and anxiety so they’re stomachs won’t be prepared for that probably.
“Just do it” is such easy advice to give but I feel your pain OP. There are things I want to accomplish that I CANNOT get myself up to do. I can’t execute plans or schedules for things that don’t immediately threaten my livelihood. It’s a real PITA. Executive dysfunction is a term I’ve read about recently that describes this.
I’m convinced the way we think about things is the driving force. For example, I’ve always struggled to work out regularly. What’s really been helping me the last month is the mantra “I’ll never regret working out but I absolutely will regret not working out”. So try to critically evaluate your thought processes behind the things you want to accomplish and see if there is another way of thinking about it that makes doing it easier.
I really like your mantra – yeah it really helps me when thoughts like this reframe the way I look at things. I often struggle with being paralized by guilt, for example the guilt of having put an email off for too long, or tge fear that starting ti revise for my exams now would make me feel guilty that I didn’t start preparing earlier. I wish I had a similar mantra for that
Yes! The guilt eats you alive and completely paralyzes you! I never could figure out what made me tick to help improve my study habits. But I just graduated so I managed and now I’m done forever! You will always wish you started sooner, no matter how early you start.
For little things like emails, consider how they take barely 5 mins to do. We have 1,440 minutes in a day and we can’t even take 5 to send the freaking email?! I use that mindset for chores too. I gripe and moan about the kitty litter box but it takes 60 seconds to just scoop the damn thing.
Ahh putting it into perspective does sound like it would help me. Unfortunately for me writing an email usually takes closer to 20 minutes because I’m really slow at phrasing what I have to say and I sit around stuck on trying to phrase my email in a way that doesn’t sound too commanding/impolite/etc . Have you ever had this? It might be an ADHD thing idk.
Don’t overthink it. That helps me. Obviously match your phrasing to the situation like if it needs to be formal, be formal, but if not then just write it out and send it.
This is exactly what you said. Workout and cold showers.
Even if a cold shower is once a day, it is enough. Willpower is like a muscle, you don’t have to exert it constantly, but regularly.
As for working out, you don’t have to like it, to make it. This is the hard pill to swallow, but struggling is part of it, at least in the beginning.
What I find helpful personally, is to watch a coaching video. You follow the moves of the vlogger at the same pace, and only pause when you can absolutely not take it anymore. I end up cursing at the video and hating my life on the spot.I recon that it helped me have more control on myself (like pain tolerance). But as for the ADHD you describe, I am not sure I saw any improvement personally.
Oh I see, do you still have athe link to the video you used? Also, do you know of any good resources about improving pain tolerance? I think that’s essenstially what I’m lacking atm.
This is kinda random advice and I dunno if it will help, but if you want to increase your pain tolerance try doing a polar bear swim. Just make sure you have someone with you, you have somewhere warm to retreat to a towels and fresh dry clothes and that you do it in a temperature tjat isn’t too overwhelmingly cold. Like 40 or 50 degrees probably is the limit for it if you have never done it before because if it is too cold you can go into shock and get hypothermia, but yeah. If you want to start slower just dunk your hand into a bucket of ice water. Over time you will get used to it and will be able to do it for longer periods.
Get tested for ADHD. If you have it, start working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD and can prescribe medication if necessary.
Or the cheaper option drink a coffee. Did it make it easier to focus? Yes? Then ADHD, so drink lots of coffee. Lol, but seriously just get tested.
Is the coffee thing real? I’ve been thinking about getting tested, but if the coffee thing is real I really should. I thought it helped everyone focus, though I recognize I drink a lot more than average
Have you ever had this happen to you?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fYg5hSgtug
I thought I was neurotypical but when I found out this wasn’t normal I realized I must have ADHD.
Oh fuck me. I looked up how expensive it was to get tested earlier and was like na, not worth it, but that video fucked me up. I always thought I was just better at cleaning when I had a clean kitchen and did things in the right order… Which often involves a quick trip to the store…
So I don’t know you or how much you make, but if you’re an American and you make under a certain amount a year, Healthcare through the ACA can be very affordable. You will have to take time and look because it is convoluted as hell, but if you decide to, prioritize mental health services coverage and you can find some Silver plans that offer really affordable therapy. Mine is Bluecross Blue Shield and I pay $89 a month, but my therapy is free with no caps on how often i can go.
Hope this helps.
Thanks man. I get insurance though the market but make enough that my healthcare is pretty sub par for $200/mo. I like to call it my “if I go into a comma, I won’t wake up wishing I hadn’t” insurance plan.
